Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Confession of an addict

What is it with alcoholics? I have seen some people drink under the pressure of friendship, some drink to look cool, some drink to remain in the group, some in the hope to ease a situation, some to celebrate. But I have meet only two people in my lifetime who have told me, they enjoy drinking. I tried to understand what "I drink because I enjoy drinking" means. These two people, I have never seen getting high on alcohol. Even after they drained an entire bottle of Jack Daniel (read Old Monk) they were still as normal to be able derive E=MC2. None the less, these two people had to fight to give up alcohol. It became an addiction to them.

 It all starts with a trial. Then once again to see if there is any difference between the first attempt and the second. Then there is a third try if the result of the first and second attempt were the same. There is a third try, even if the result of the first and second attempts were not the same. Soon, you begin enjoying the experience. Thinking you will never fall into addiction, you give it a several more tries and keep telling yourself, "I am not addicted. I can pull myself out of it when ever I choose to. I just don't want to choose to". Until, one day you want to quit and realize it is too late. What once gave you comfort now begins to haunt you. Haunts you in your every waking minute. Haunts your every sleeping minute.

No matter what your reason for taking up alcohol is, at one point of the other, I bet you have told yourself, "Enough.  Not anymore". Similarly for cigarettes, drugs. The list can go on and on. Addiction is not limited to substance use. They may come in the form porn, self abuse, shopping for no reason. Online shopping I see is soon becoming an addiction. Why? Video games itself is an addiction!

In this battle of yours,  you realize that you are in the loosing team. You see yourself loose your health, your wealth. You end up hurting those who love you the most. You wish you could loose the one's who care about you and yet, loosing them is another thing that sends chills down your spine.

I have an addiction too. It's not the usual ones. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. Never indulged in meaningless sex, porn or cut myself but yet, I am addicted. Addicted, that it has been playing with my mind from the very day when, I sensed something was not right. This thing has been eating me and eating me for quiet some time now. I have been miserably tired. Every time some one checks my blood pressure, they get me a wheelchair because it is so below normal that I must not even be allowed to walk. My diet is a display of health and if anyone exercised the way I did, they would be walking around shirtless sporting their 6 pack abs. So, what is it that has happened to me in the past years?

The answer is I am an addict. The answer lies in my addiction. I have always known the answer but never wanted to accept it. But today is the day, where I make a pledge to myself. A pledge to break loose all the boundaries. I am addicted to a person. A very nice human being, but for some reason, our relationship is like a bad addiction. It all started with painting rainbows together in a bright sunny sky. It was fun. It was the definition of joy. To forget a sad day or, to brighten up an entire episode. Of making promises of being best friends forever. Of always being there. But soon, those very  promises, those very gestures, those very dependencies and the thousands expectations that the closeness of the friendship accompanied, made it hurtful. We both ignored the pain saying, one moment of joy was far worth the thousand painful moments. But then the pain began spreading. It spread to those who love and care. It spread to the family that stood behind me to catch me if I fell. It spread to my friends who cared for me the most. And similarly for my friend.

Now this is not an addiction to a substance. I am talking about a life here. A life I made promises to. And here I am today, writing as I begin my de-addiction. I haven't seen the worst life can throw on someone. But with the little what I have seen of life, I know there is nothing that you can not fight when accompanied with a strong will power and a bit of grace. I have the grace with me. I have seen it being showered on me every time I have asked. All I need now, is the will power. One thing I have always rejoiced is my endurance. Of course, my endurance has always been measured in physical terms but, today, starts my journey of enduring myself in the mental world.

I have joined my de-addiction with the faith of never having a re-lapse. Like me, I am sure, every one is addicted to something. Attachments when not healthy, can be an addiction. If you have realized what you are addicted to, then I hope, reading this will help you.

Share your story with me. Leave back your comments. It might just help me realize, there are a thousand more running the same battle.

I thank my family and friends for helping me realize my addiction. 

2 comments:

  1. Nice start. I hope you are not being selfish here and have thought about him/her as well.. if he/she is also addicted to you, you have taken his/her position in consideration too

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  2. If my friend is as addicted to me as I was to him/her, then it is harming him/her as much as it has harmed me. Taking for granted that he/she too is as addicted as I am to him/her, what kind of friend will I be to continue causing him/her pain? A moments pleasure and a night full of sorrow? I would rather choose a life full of joy and a moment of pain for my friend and me.

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