Friday, May 22, 2009

Sorry-but I love you.

I woke up guilty today; scared to look at my mobile as I knew there would be no unanswered call or a message to look forward to in my inbox. Ashamed enough to be unable to text in a simple message. Still with the slightest hope I flipped my phone to see what I had expected--a screen with only my wallpaper on it. Yet some things in life do not change. The doggies still came to give me a lick. As I took them out, the joy I could see as the ran and played around made me think-it is best to be born with the heart of a dog. Unconditional love. Many times I have said it is luck to be born as a dog. You get all the love, the pampering, comfort, food. But apart from being envious of a dogs life, I am envious of their ability to love. Their ability to forgive and forget. Their ability to consider you God just because you give them food and take them for a walk. They have a unique ability to spread joy, no wonder they are loved so much.
I have been with dogs all life. I had dogs at home, the street dogs who used to accompany me to school. When I moved to college, there was a dog who would wait for me at 1 near the college gate. Just as I am about to Enter the Air Force Station, there are dogs waiting to accompany me home. At home there always is a dog waiting to lick me and tell me how his day passed. I have spent hours talking to dogs. When I wait for the cab to office every morning, I see people making strange faces at me thinking what the hell am I talking to dogs. Yet, I realize there is nothing I have been able to learn from these four legged creatures. And if they ever taught me anything, I have forgotten all that they taught me.
Even after being a dog person, today I feel that I have all the characteristics of a cat whom I hate. My inability to show love to people keeps failing me.
The Goan HR, loves me, pampers me, cares for me, is always thinking of ways to make me happy. But what do I do in return? Yell and nag. Make his life miserable. So much that no amount of me saying sorry would do any more good. Maybe I have said sorry so many times now, that "sorry" just feels like a word.
My dad. The one person who made me his boy, taught me how to live in a mans world, gave me all my strength and smartness--I yell at him for every other reason. I yell at him for taking the long cut when he could have taken the shorter root. Without acknowledging the fact that he made time to drop me-long cut or short cut. His love is what is driving him to drop me to where I want to go.
My mother, who is he reason behind my so called happy go lucky nature, my confidence, my ability to talk non-stop is all because of her. And when she tries to correct me or help me out, I yell again.
Why is it that I take the people who matter the most to me for granted? Every time I yell at them, why do I forget to think that they have a heart which is being hurt because of me? And every time I see them still clinging to me, why do I assume that it is their duty to love me, care for me and be besides me?
Saying sorry or getting them a gift only puts a plaster to the wound. But deep down the wound, the skin I know will never be the same and yet I fail to tell them I love them or show them I care. Two drops of tears does not take my guilt away.
I wish, if not born as a dog next time, at least I have the heart of a dog which shows people unconditional love. Give me the ability to make people around me happy.
If only ending this post by asking for your forgiveness helped--I am sorry. I do love you.

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful Indian Teaser Causing Heartaches - In short 'BITCH' ... in a way your dream of being one in the next life is already met, so the only thing that is left behind is to learn to love unconditionally and wag that tail profusely ;) Jokes apart, I guess the near and dear ones would know u do, irrespective of u spell it out of not, but its a good practice to once in a while, just to be safe u see ;) -Morgan.

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