Monday, March 30, 2009

Hallelujah...

I was reading this post on my friend's blog on God. Well, God and I haven't spoken much. There was a time when I never believed in God. Never ever went to a place of worship as they call it. Ridiculed the word "God". Even now, I do ridicule the three letter word, crack every joke I can. Avoid mandir/Church at all cost until given a dose of emotional atyachar by a loved one or to escape from the gyan of "You should believe in God." But every time I ask myself "Do I believe in God?" I am found speechless. My ego stops me from saying "yes" and my current being stops me from saying "no".
I don't want to say "yes" because, for 23 years I have never believed in God. Made fun of him/her and gotten away with it. Nothing bad happened to me. My life has been as fantastic. Lady luck has always been good to me. I don't want to say "no" because, lady luck has always been good to me, I have lost and still still found. I feel blessed from within.
If I have to count the number of times (out of my knowledge) that I went to temple or church would be, Once with Arun, a college friend of mine because he went extremely senti one day and wanted to go. I wanted to be with him when he needed so happily went. Next was with Mummy. I was under high medication and after a hell long period began responding to people. So she took me there to ask the almighty to take care of me and get me well soon. Next was for the love of Dragon. This was the most willful time when I went to the church. Drag believes in God and so much that it lead to a break in our what I thought, "strong love for one another."
It was in church, that I realized Dragon is gone. And this time he isn't coming back. Victor told me it was all in God's plan and I should just accept it. Sundays gave me immense peace. Every Sunday I could reason; it wasn't me, wasn't Dragon, it was God who did not want it.
It allowed me to continue loving Dragon. But every time I was in church, my mind would go back to Drag and tell him silently, it is okay. Don't be guilty.
And when I began to drift drag away, I realized I could no longer take that sermon on God anymore.
Every time I go speechless on being asked if I believed in God, is because I wonder, if it was God who is making me capable of still loving Dragon or is it my father who helped me to move on with reasoning. If papa helped me to forget, Church made me forgive.
Before 23, I would always say "No" as an answer to believe in God question. At that time Papa was my God. Every time someone asked, I would say, "I believe in my father. He is my God." Until I met Ashley. I told him the same thing.
My father is my God.
"Well what do you do when you need something?"
"I go to my father. He can give me everything I want. Hope, faith, love, forgive my mistakes. He is my strength. He is my love. Some one I can always rely on. Some one who will always be there in time of need".
Ashley was indeed impressed. Touched by what I said. "You really love your father" he said.
"Maybe a bit more than that. :-)" I said
"What do you do when he needs something?" "Who is there when he needs strength?"
I had no answers to Ash's question.
I still did not accept there was a word like God.
I continued my life until one day I woke up to my mum's call. Holding back her tears as she said, "Papa is in the hospital. Nothing serious. Just wanted to let you know."
My father is one one of the fittest guy. At 50, he has 5 pegs, has great stamina, swims 20 laps everyday, cycles to work, runs kilo meters with doggies. He had to be the last person to ever need a doctor.
I immediately took the first flight to Bangalore. As I sat in the flight, my mind went back the memory lane when Ashley asked, "What do you do when he needs something?" "Who is there when he needs strength?"
"I will be his strength" I said. I reached the hospital and spent 5 min at the gate and cried my heart out before I could see papa or mummy. I was playing God here. I should not show my knees trembling with fear. I realized, I could be the strength, but I was not God. I still did not believe in the word. I still say, it was my fathers physical fitness that got him out of hospital in no time. Yes. I have my share of ego while saying "God?"
But after 24 years of life, I have realized,that the word does exist in dictionary. It did in other peoples dictionary long ago. But mine too now does. Maybe with a question mark, but it does :-)

7 comments:

  1. I think this a very hearty post. lots of things you need to tell your dad are here. I think you should tell them to your dad and let him know how much you care for him.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am sure that 'question mark' too would be gone in a short time...arr..like say by end of 30 :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. @ Paresh-
    hmm to tell papa.. well some things are best kept secrets. To love some one so dearly and yet not let them know has its own share of fun :D
    @Hawk
    well dekhte hai :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Fantastic header!!! Just fantastic!

    ReplyDelete
  5. One of the most gripping posts I have read in a long time. Have just started going over your blog, and the heading caught my attention coz its always a topic of contradictions. You have forced me to now read ever word in this space. More as and when I run thru them - Morgan.

    ReplyDelete
  6. @ Morgan. Ahh good that my post has the ability to get you back to my blog. I am honored :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. @BK: The feeling is mutual. You are welcome. Keep up the good work. - Morgan

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for commenting